Tips for First Time Relief Teachers

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.



Inhale. Exhale.



Relax..................



Whoever said being a relief teacher was an easy job with easy pay? Smack the bugger in the face right now... it's NOT that easy...

Ok, it's definitely better than being a regular teacher, but it still isn't that easy all the time.

Here then, are some tips [and shocks] for aspiring relief teachers. Add this onto all those simple info like "show up at school at 730am" and "Just get them to do some worksheets" that the school will tell you.

1. UNDERSTAND THE TYPE OF CLASS YOU'RE IN

Being relief, you will have no choice in what kind of class you will be teaching. If you're lucky, you will have a relatively well-behaved class, and this is what will happen the minute you walk in:

"Class, stand!" Everyone stands up, and greets "Good morning, teacher." and sits down again, looking at you with curious eyes, wondering what happened to their regular teacher.

If you're unlucky enough, and the class you're relieving happens to be one of the 'bottom' ones:

"RAHAHAHAHAEHEHEHEHCHERCOMELIAO!!!!HAHAHAHA" and other classroom gibberish. One or two boys will be running around the classroom, despite your fervent attempts to catch them and bring them to their seats, another group in the corner will be blatantly ignoring you, and playing their own games, and when you try to speak, a chorus of childish voices will totally drown you, and leave you to die.

And all this while their teacher is either a) at home trying to recover from the high blood pressure and heart failure his kids have induced in him or b) happily out shopping because her relative's a doctor and she got a free MC, while you desperately try to control her class.

2. ALWAYS BE FIRM.

This means never smile, never joke, never play games, never let them do their own thing, never talk to them, never reply their inane questions, never back down on anything you say, never show weakness, never show hesitation.

In other words, switch off the humanity and act like your old, grumpy Chinese teacher with the bad dress sense and the perpetual PMS.

This is vitally IMPORTANT if you ever want the class to do what you want. Because the moment you let slip your guard, and they know that you are human and therefore FALLIBLE, you are so doomed. They will run circles around you like dogs in heat.

Some people may say, "Oh, but that's so fierce! What if I scare the little darlings?" and I say, "[insert name of animal faeces]" remember that you are outnumbered 40 to 1 in a classroom, and that if they were to suddenly realise that they could all scream, shout or run out of the class and you wouldn't be able to stop them all, you are so screwed.

If you were outnumbered 40 to 1 by a gang of ferocious hounds, would you go, "Oh lookit the cute little doggies!" and try to pet them? Same concept.

3. NEVER TOLERATE ANY BEHAVIOUR YOU DID NOT ENDORSE

No one goes to the toilet without your permission. No one goes to the bookshelf without your permission. No one drinks water without your permission. No one talks without your permission. No one even lies on the table to sleep without your permission.

This is now part of classroom discipline. Establish yourself as Most Revered And To Be Obeyed Leader of the Pack. This is once again important, in order to get the class to listen to you. If they feel that you can't lead, they will never listen to you.

And if you survived your relief teaching, and you're out of class, you may do the last thing, which is:

4. RECLAIM YOUR HUMANITY

Shop. Eat. Drink. Chat. SMS. Become human again, and shed off the Dictator For Life persona you were carrying in the classroom. For one, it will endear you to your peers a whole lot more.