Recently, I was talking about the good old days with a friend. She reminded of something I had forgotten and as we talked further, I felt the emotions from long ago rise up again.
Slightly more than 10 years ago, I went for my interview at MOE HQ. I hadn't thought about it much since then, but my friend reminded me how devastated I was after that. "Do you remember," she chuckled, "That you were so sure that you wouldn't be chosen and that you would be unemployed for the rest of your life?"
Then I started to remember. I remembered how all my prepared answers flew out the window as the panel of interviewers shot questions in rapid-fire. I remembered how totally unimpressive my answers were and that I was sure I had screwed it up somehow.
I was pretty upset after the interview, to be sure. I had been unemployed for about a year and I had been giving tuition to support myself. The MOE interview was one of the last bets I had to secure a decent-paying job. I didn't manage to say any of the answers I had rehearsed with my friend and after the interview, I sat with her at McDonald's wailing over a cup of coke, lost about my future and whether I would ever get a full time job.
When I remembered that, other memories then surfaced. I also remembered the first class I ever had as a BT, how I couldn't handle the problem students and how I felt imprisoned because of the bond. All the optimism I felt at NIE was gone and I felt helpless. I couldn't handle the students, I couldn't leave because of the bond and all the other BTs seemed to be doing fine or even better than me.
I wondered whether to leave after my bond.
The years passed again. I remembered a particularly bad observation. The kind that was so bad, I had to have another observation, which was even worse. The kind where the students didn't listen, didn't do the work properly, where I became even more panicked because they were getting out of hand and the fact that my RO was there frowning in the corner made me even more panicked and of course, things rapidly spiralled out of hand.
Of course, the evaluation I received at the end of that, suffice to say, was not excellent. I didn't want to face my colleagues in the staff room, who would ask me how it went. I just sat alone in the classroom after dismissing the kids for recess, wondering if I was ever cut out for this job and maybe it was all one big horrendous mistake. Even now, thinking about it makes my heart sting, despite all the years that have passed since then.
The funny thing is, it's been 10 years and I'm still here. I've been saying that to myself a lot because to me, it's such a miracle that all these screw-ups happened to me and yet, I'm still here. I've seen people cleverer and more capable than I was leave the service. I've seen others lapse into depression after getting the same bad evaluations that I did. I've also seen less capable people stay on due to well-played politics.
And of course, I've seen classes of children, good and bad, come, study and graduate.
Maybe reaching that 10-year mark was something of a tipping point for me. After reaching this point and experiencing some of the lows that I did, I realised that there was nothing really that could faze me, except myself. Despite all the bad and really terrible times I went through, I still made it, plodding along, slowly but surely. I created a sort of mantra for myself. If it doesn't get it killed or fired, then I would be fine. I would be upset, surely, but I would learn and get through, because I had already gone through so much other worse stuff.
Perhaps that is the advantage that the class failure has. The lesson that if you can get through failure, you learn better how to survive it and thrive from it.
Today, I screwed up again at work, though thankfully on a more minor matter. I felt the same upset feeling again, but this time, compared to the past others, was slightly different. This time, there was also a little voice telling me,
Just do the corrections.
I had to laugh. It was my own voice, the same voice that I told the kids again and again in class. Maybe reminding me of the same encouragement that I would give to any kid struggling with the times table or even to add 2 and 2. The voice I used to tell the kids not to give up on your mistakes, to do the corrections for it and learn from it. Mistakes are ok. If you don't get it now, as long as you try again, you'd get it eventually, and I know you'd get it if you just keep trying.
So to anyone struggling in their career, having a bad time with the kids or even a worse time with the adults, to anyone who's felt that they would never ever finish the marking, who's felt that they would never get through to the kids,
Or to anyone who's ever felt that you're a failure as a teacher and that you'll never make it.
You're not bad, you're not stupid and you're not a failure as a teacher.
Hang in there, do the corrections, learn from your mistakes. You will get there in the end.
Take this lesson, not from the successes around you, but from the account of one who's already failed before and who's still around.
And you know what? One day, you will reach the 10, 20 or even 30 year mark. Maybe, like me, you will also look back and wonder that you made it through after all.
Showing posts with label tenyearseries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tenyearseries. Show all posts
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Monday, April 18, 2016
We are Not Happy... Why? The 1-yr-old BT vs the 10-yr-old Old Maid
I've been going through the blog archives looking for inspiration for new blog posts. When I did so, I realised that some of the old entries dated back to my NIE days! Talk about feeling old!
I read through a couple and I felt even older. The voice that was being projected in the blog archives really sounded younger and more energetic. Compare that to now, when the words I type now seem to crawl across the screen. Ah, youth...
One post that caught my eye was this old one: We are Not Happy... Why? At the time, a number of complaints had appeared in the now-defunct Tomorrow.sg website about the things making them unhappy in the industry. I read through the post and wondered: Had things changed enough in the 10 years since I last wrote that post? Let's compare then:
The 1-yr-old BT vs The 10-yr-old Old Maid
BT:
" it is NOT the children that is causing the dissatisfaction, but all other things like the leadership, the administration, the non-curriculuar activities."
Old Maid:
10 years on, I don't think this has changed at all! I still find satisfaction in coming to the classroom. However, I still feel like the administrative duties are an interference to my real work with the students. In fact, with experience came added responsibilities that I had to quickly learn how to adapt to. I handled them with mixed results, some I felt turned out all right in the end, some I could not handle well and became disasters bigger than what they began with!
The general feeling I get from other teachers regarding admin work and leadership seems to be the same: Something that came along with the job and that had to be tolerated. People that weren't keen on tolerating them just dropped out and became tuition teachers or left the industry altogether.
What I found frustrating was when all this affected the teaching work. At such times, I was teaching very boring lessons because I didn't have the time to plan my lessons properly. It became easier with time, because I started to collect classroom activities and created some of my own as well. As time went by, I became more familiar with the syllabus and the activities for each topic. So what was said to me as a BT really came true: It really does get easier.
My advice and viewpoint on this: Unfortunately, NIE doesn't train productivity, time management and people skills. Pick them up on your own and spend some precious time reading up and finding a system that works for you because you will need it more the longer you are in teaching. Always spend time brushing up on what you know of the syllabus and any teaching strategies.
BT:
"I feel as if we are expected everyday to do more and more and more for the children, but only for that few extra peanuts. [and not gold-plated ones, to boot]"
Old Maid:
To really see if we are doing more and more for the children, you have to know the changes that have taken place in the system since then.
First, by now all should know that hiring has frozen, especially if you notice the lack of Mrs-Chong-esque TV advertisements. Next, you should also be aware of the grand change in the English syllabus known as Stellar and Peri, otherwise the next paragraph won't make sense to you. Maths has also seen some topics being dropped out though I also see more emphasis on higher order problem solving.
I feel that if you only look at the number of worksheets issued under Stellar and the topics dropped from Maths, you may feel that there's not that much work to do. However, I do feel that more actual teaching is expected. Forget teach-less-learn-more, it seems to be teach-more-learn-more, with holistic assessments all thrown into the mix. The good of all this is that the system has become more student-centric and is a lot more forgiving of each individual child's unique mix of strengths, talents and weaknesses. This is a long way from the system that I grew up under.
Something that has not changed though, I'm still waiting for my gold-plated peanuts, haha. Although the Connect plan comes very close to this, the 3 years waiting for it can sometimes be quite a pain, I admit.
BT:
"I hope our suffering is not caused by our own silence. There is only so much that we can all take to a certain point. Why allow others to put you past that point?"
Old Maid:
Some teachers obviously found dingy solutions to their own suffering, as evidenced by the number of sex-abuse cases that have come up in the news, more and more in recent times. [Thankfully, they make up a small number of the total teacher population]
Social media has changed the game in this arena. We share more stories of what we go through online on Facebook or Twitter (or Blogger!) The more these stories get shared, the more the public has become more aware of what we go through in order to educate our children. I get a lot of sympathy from other people when I tell them I'm a teacher! They usually tell me, "Teachers do a lot, don't they?" Yes, everyone, they do.
And this helps, because then a lot more people become more willing to speak up for us when we feel like we cannot. Take what happened when the news came out that they were willing to charge teachers for using the school carparks. I read through the comments section and was touched to see members of the public expressing outrage at such a move.
As the movie said, though, "with great power comes great responsibility". Now that we have more outlets to express ourselves, another responsibility also falls on us to use that power wisely. The Internet is a great place for FB-scrolling and looking for cute gifs of cats, yes, but it can do that much more for us by giving us a place to speak up. We are no longer just limited to those outlets blessed by MOE, but we can create soapboxes of our own from which to speak from.
However, if we cannot express ourselves well, if all we do is complain in bad English, make fun of our heads or students, then no one will ever take us seriously when we have something serious to complain about. I would tell my BT-self of the past that yes, things will change in the future. We can break out of our own silence, but you will find that by doing so, you have an even greater onus to research your facts, gather your information before speaking up with a viewpoint.
Conclusion......?
BT: "So by now I guess I'll be in this line a very long time. Is it going to be worth the ride?"
Old Maid: "Put it this way: You will go through a lot of pain. You will struggle through some really bad days and you might even cry on some of them in your cubicle when no one is around. There will be days when you feel like crying in class, there will be days you feel like you will never be a good teacher, there will be days when you feel like you will never finish all the paperwork. There will be days your head will yell at you for the things you didn't know you had to do. There will be days you will feel like you see no end.
But on some days, you will make the children smile and laugh. You will sit next to a crying child and comfort him/her till they feel they can go on with school again. You will have hilarious times in class and if you are really lucky, you will that child who couldn't spell his name correctly in P1 walk up on stage in P6 and you will swell with pride even if you hadn't taught him for the last 4 years.
If you feel that those are worth more than all the other stuff, then you just might make it."
I read through a couple and I felt even older. The voice that was being projected in the blog archives really sounded younger and more energetic. Compare that to now, when the words I type now seem to crawl across the screen. Ah, youth...
One post that caught my eye was this old one: We are Not Happy... Why? At the time, a number of complaints had appeared in the now-defunct Tomorrow.sg website about the things making them unhappy in the industry. I read through the post and wondered: Had things changed enough in the 10 years since I last wrote that post? Let's compare then:
The 1-yr-old BT vs The 10-yr-old Old Maid
BT:
" it is NOT the children that is causing the dissatisfaction, but all other things like the leadership, the administration, the non-curriculuar activities."
Old Maid:
10 years on, I don't think this has changed at all! I still find satisfaction in coming to the classroom. However, I still feel like the administrative duties are an interference to my real work with the students. In fact, with experience came added responsibilities that I had to quickly learn how to adapt to. I handled them with mixed results, some I felt turned out all right in the end, some I could not handle well and became disasters bigger than what they began with!
The general feeling I get from other teachers regarding admin work and leadership seems to be the same: Something that came along with the job and that had to be tolerated. People that weren't keen on tolerating them just dropped out and became tuition teachers or left the industry altogether.
What I found frustrating was when all this affected the teaching work. At such times, I was teaching very boring lessons because I didn't have the time to plan my lessons properly. It became easier with time, because I started to collect classroom activities and created some of my own as well. As time went by, I became more familiar with the syllabus and the activities for each topic. So what was said to me as a BT really came true: It really does get easier.
My advice and viewpoint on this: Unfortunately, NIE doesn't train productivity, time management and people skills. Pick them up on your own and spend some precious time reading up and finding a system that works for you because you will need it more the longer you are in teaching. Always spend time brushing up on what you know of the syllabus and any teaching strategies.
BT:
"I feel as if we are expected everyday to do more and more and more for the children, but only for that few extra peanuts. [and not gold-plated ones, to boot]"
Old Maid:
To really see if we are doing more and more for the children, you have to know the changes that have taken place in the system since then.
First, by now all should know that hiring has frozen, especially if you notice the lack of Mrs-Chong-esque TV advertisements. Next, you should also be aware of the grand change in the English syllabus known as Stellar and Peri, otherwise the next paragraph won't make sense to you. Maths has also seen some topics being dropped out though I also see more emphasis on higher order problem solving.
I feel that if you only look at the number of worksheets issued under Stellar and the topics dropped from Maths, you may feel that there's not that much work to do. However, I do feel that more actual teaching is expected. Forget teach-less-learn-more, it seems to be teach-more-learn-more, with holistic assessments all thrown into the mix. The good of all this is that the system has become more student-centric and is a lot more forgiving of each individual child's unique mix of strengths, talents and weaknesses. This is a long way from the system that I grew up under.
Something that has not changed though, I'm still waiting for my gold-plated peanuts, haha. Although the Connect plan comes very close to this, the 3 years waiting for it can sometimes be quite a pain, I admit.
BT:
"I hope our suffering is not caused by our own silence. There is only so much that we can all take to a certain point. Why allow others to put you past that point?"
Old Maid:
Some teachers obviously found dingy solutions to their own suffering, as evidenced by the number of sex-abuse cases that have come up in the news, more and more in recent times. [Thankfully, they make up a small number of the total teacher population]
Social media has changed the game in this arena. We share more stories of what we go through online on Facebook or Twitter (or Blogger!) The more these stories get shared, the more the public has become more aware of what we go through in order to educate our children. I get a lot of sympathy from other people when I tell them I'm a teacher! They usually tell me, "Teachers do a lot, don't they?" Yes, everyone, they do.
And this helps, because then a lot more people become more willing to speak up for us when we feel like we cannot. Take what happened when the news came out that they were willing to charge teachers for using the school carparks. I read through the comments section and was touched to see members of the public expressing outrage at such a move.
As the movie said, though, "with great power comes great responsibility". Now that we have more outlets to express ourselves, another responsibility also falls on us to use that power wisely. The Internet is a great place for FB-scrolling and looking for cute gifs of cats, yes, but it can do that much more for us by giving us a place to speak up. We are no longer just limited to those outlets blessed by MOE, but we can create soapboxes of our own from which to speak from.
However, if we cannot express ourselves well, if all we do is complain in bad English, make fun of our heads or students, then no one will ever take us seriously when we have something serious to complain about. I would tell my BT-self of the past that yes, things will change in the future. We can break out of our own silence, but you will find that by doing so, you have an even greater onus to research your facts, gather your information before speaking up with a viewpoint.
Conclusion......?
BT: "So by now I guess I'll be in this line a very long time. Is it going to be worth the ride?"
Old Maid: "Put it this way: You will go through a lot of pain. You will struggle through some really bad days and you might even cry on some of them in your cubicle when no one is around. There will be days when you feel like crying in class, there will be days you feel like you will never be a good teacher, there will be days when you feel like you will never finish all the paperwork. There will be days your head will yell at you for the things you didn't know you had to do. There will be days you will feel like you see no end.
But on some days, you will make the children smile and laugh. You will sit next to a crying child and comfort him/her till they feel they can go on with school again. You will have hilarious times in class and if you are really lucky, you will that child who couldn't spell his name correctly in P1 walk up on stage in P6 and you will swell with pride even if you hadn't taught him for the last 4 years.
If you feel that those are worth more than all the other stuff, then you just might make it."
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